Worry and Peace

I do NOT have time to be writing a blog right now. But I just have to write my feelings somewhere. I'm getting married on Friday--as in the day after tomorrow--and I have a list of about 100 things to get done, 20 of which I planned on getting done last night. But none of that happened. I got only one thing done, and that was making my bed. And technically I didn't even do it. Kelly did because she needed a place to sleep. Why, you might ask, could I get nothing done last night? Because I was stricken with worry.

Let me make sure all the facts are straight so that my future self isn't confused as I read this. Today is Wednesday. (and P.S. it's 6:26 AM... I didn't even wake up this early on the mission! I got 4 more minutes than this!) Okay, so today is Wednesday and I am in California. Chris and I drove here yesterday. Well, Heidi and Dennis left on Monday, but they stopped to go camping for a night so we weren't expecting them until last night. But they never showed up.

Anybody who knows me for at least 5 minutes knows that I am a worrier. I get it from my dad, who gets it from my grandma. I'm glad she's in Heaven and didn't have to suffer through the worry all night like I did.

Okay, so yesterday I texted Heidi expecting an update of where they were and how the trip was going, as I always get from her on road trips. But she never responded. Noon came around and I figured she just hadn't looked at her phone yet. Busy doing mom stuff or driving. Then 2 o' clock and still nothing. Then 5. Then 6. Then 7. Still nobody had heard anything. Then midnight came and went and still no sign of Heidi or Dennis. Nobody had heard from them ALL day. Not a text or a Facebook post or nothin'. So, I was worried... to say the least. And most of the time--probably about 100% of the time--when I worry, nobody else is worried. I'm usually the only one. And now that I think about it, that probably means my worries are usually, if not always, irrational. But last night, my mom was worried. And Kelly was worried. And Dianne was worried. And even Robert was worried. If Robert was worried, then I know I'm justified, because that man is just plain care-free! So, now that we were all worried, I was just straight going loco. I was thinking about all the horrible possibilities of what could have happened and why they weren't reachable. That could be a whole blog post of its own--all the stories happening in my head of horrible things that happened to Heidi and Dennis and the boys. Dennis's phone just went straight to voicemail, which is never a good sign. And Heidi's just kept ringing and ringing. I even tried to FaceTime the boys on their iPhone and iPad. Nothin'.

I had already said about 200 prayers by this point and could not get anything on my to-do list done because every time I thought about doing something productive, I would just curl on my bed and pray that my sister and her family were OK. So finally, I got down on my knees and gave God a real prayer. Then I felt like I should read the Book of Mormon to calm my nerves. So I pulled it up on my phone and pressed play in 2 Nephi chapter 2, right where I left off last time. But for some reason I just felt like I should skip a few chapters. Something about chapter 6 felt right, which anybody knows is strange for me. It never feels right for a person with OCD to skip a few chapters and start somewhere where I just haven't gotten to yet. But it felt better in chapter 6. So I pressed play and listened.

The first scripture that caught my interest was verse 3: "Nevertheless I speak unto you again; for I am desirous for the welfare of your souls. Yea, mine anxiety is great for you; and ye yourselves know that it ever has been."

I was like, hey! That's exactly how I feel. My anxiety is flaring up and you guys know that I feel this way because there is no way Heidi doesn't know that I'm not worried right now.

So then I kept reading. When I got to verse 9, my ears perked again. "Nevertheless, the Lord has shown unto me that they should return again..."

I felt peace. It was the first time in hours. But I felt it. And something deep inside me just knew that Heidi and Dennis and my boys would return. Now that I think about it, I should have gotten on my knees again and said a prayer of thanks. But I was so relieved to know they would return that I finally got a little sleep in. Even though I knew, deep down, that everything would be okay, I was still a little worried, because I'm psycho and nothing can relieve my anxiety, not even God telling me straight up that everything is going to be okay. Yeah, I have some problems I need to work on. So anyway, I finally fell asleep, but by this point, there were other people involved in the anxiety-fest.

Kelly woke me up and asked if I'd heard from them yet. Still no word. So we took logical action and called the police department near Bryce Canyon (where we knew they had camped the night before) and asked them to just send someone out to look for their car. They said it was too dark and it would have to wait till 6 AM. So even though I had had my moment of peace, I still started to worry again. Typical me.

This morning, a little after 5 AM I got a text from Heidi. Hallelujah!!! They had stopped to go camping another night in Capitol Reef and didn't have any service. Now they are on their way home and ETA is 5 PM.

I feel so much better--which is why I had to write in this blog. I feel relieved. And I feel grateful. And I feel more empathy toward those poor people that have family members missing and haven't heard from them in days, weeks, months, or even years. The feeling I had for one night was bad enough. I can't even imagine feeling it for any longer... not even if I  were normal and didn't have anxiety.

I love my family.

Beauty

A few weeks ago, I was at my sister's house, hanging out with 3 of my nephews. They love me. What!? I'm just being honest. They do. And I love them! Soooooo much! So, the day I was with them also just happened to be a day when I was feeling, well, let's just say "not pretty." You know those days when you just feel ugly? But I didn't really care too much, but my nephews (ages 7, 5, and less than 1) don't care what I look like. They love playing with me on my best days when I'm dressed up and pretty, on my tired days when I'm in my PJs, on my sweaty days when I just got back from a run, and on my bad days when I'm feeling ugly. They'll even wake me up at the wee hours of the morning to play with me while I'm still asleep. So, needless to say, it really didn't matter to them that I didn't look my best that day.

I don't even remember what we were doing, probably playing UNO or watching a movie, but I remember thinking to myself, one day, these boys are gonna grow up and be embarrassed of me on my ugly days. The thought disturbed me, but nonetheless, it was true. Or so I thought.

That night when I went home, I was sitting in my living room doing some homework when my roommate told me she had just read an awesome blog and wanted to read it out loud to me. Here's the link:

http://offbeatfamilies.com/2012/11/telling-daughters-im-beautiful#

This blog says it all. I don't really have much else to say except that our kids are who we make them. Yes, they have agency and personality and they are their own person. But really, for the most part, their attitude about life comes from us and what we say. And if I say I am beautiful, then I never have to worry about my nieces and nephews growing up and realizing that I'm not as beautiful as they always thought I was. Because I am as beautiful as they always thought I was.

Utah

I love living in Provo. I know, it's crazy, right? Most people I talk to here will say things like, "I can't wait to get out of Provo" or "The second I graduate, I'm getting out of this town," And I would imagine that if I talked about liking it here, people might even say, "wait, you like living here?" It's a widely made-fun-of place in all of Utah. But here's the truth, Provo is cool. I haven't always thought it was cool. In fact, I hated it when I first moved here. I used to feel the way that some other people do. I used to make fun of Provo and the people who live here. I hated the culture, the weather, the size, the proximity to other places, the everything. And honestly, every once in a while I feel like that still. Who doesn't get that way about the place where they live every once in a while, right? I don't know exactly how I went through the change of hating it to enjoying it. But I do remember one day, I was complaining to my roommate about all of the snow outside and she said something like, "yeah, but just look at the trees covered in fresh snow. It's beautiful! Maybe tomorrow it will be ugly again, when the snow falls off and you can see the dead branches again. But right now it's beautiful!" Of course I vocally denied everything she said. But she had a valid point. And her simple statement sparked the beginning of a change not only for my attitude about Provo, but for my attitude about life. I know it sounds cheesy, and it is. But honestly, that's when I started to see things differently.

From then on, every time I saw the fresh snow on the tree branches, I would remember how beautiful it was instead of how cold I was. I made a commitment to stop having such a negative attitude about Provo... about Utah... about life in general. I decided I would look at things with a different heart. When I saw the snow, I saw the beauty of an individual snowflake rather than how cold it would be to walk to school that day. When I thought of all the Mormons, I thought how cool is was to be surrounded by people with my same values rather than how weird it was that everybody was the same religion. When I had an encounter with a bad Utah driver, I thought maybe she's just learning to drive. When I remembered there is no ocean nearby, I thought about the other cool things I could do, like hike Mt. Timp. or go to the hot springs. When I thought about the people who lived in a bubble, I remembered my 2 roommates from Utah who are THE coolest people I know and remembered that it doesn't matter where you're from, you can still be awesome. The list goes on, and some of my negative thoughts I will have to leave out as to not offend too many people. But the point is that I learned that I was being stupid before. I had a stereotypical view about a great place and a generally good group of people. Eventually my attitude changed. Eventually I liked it here and I loved the people.

So my attitude started changing a few years ago. But tonight I was shown why I really love it here. I went to dinner with my roommates to celebrate our love for Bronwyn, who's moving back to CA in a few days. On our way home, Bronwyn and I saw a car stopped in the middle of the street with its emergency lights on. We assumed it was an car accident, but then noticed a girl lying in the street. A pedestrian had been hit. There were a few people surrounding her and when we looked closely we noticed that there were 2 men with their hands on her head, giving her a Priesthood blessing. In that moment, I felt the Spirit so strongly. It was like I could feel the power of the Priesthood coming from across the street and into my heart. And I realized, this is why I really like Provo.

I know there are men all over the world who hold the Priesthood, but it's not common for a place to be so filled with them that the majority of the people on a random emergency scene would be able to offer a blessing at a moment's notice. It was so powerful to see that.

In what other place could you walk down the street and knock on whatever door you want and most likely find a worthy Priesthood holder? I don't know how, exactly, to put it into words, but it was one of the more powerful experiences I've had in my life and definitely strengthened my testimony. I know that God has given men on this earth the ability to use His power righteously. And I know that is possible through Jesus Christ, the Savior of the World.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. You know the kind I'm talking about. I think everyone does. I'm stressed about everything. It seems ridiculous, especially when I think about the difficult circumstances in which so many of the people on this earth live in every single day. Life could be so much worse for me. And I am so grateful for the blessings I have. But you know those days when you just feel so stressed out that you forget that there are thousands of people in this world who have much worse problems? You forget how wonderful your own life really is. Today was one of those days. But that's about to change. Right now. And I'll tell you how. But let me start at the beginning.

First off, I fell asleep on the couch last night, which means I didn't finish doing what I wanted to do yesterday. So it was a bad start. Then I woke up late and missed my first class of the day. I skipped breakfast and hurried to school to finish a group project for a class later on. Of course there was plenty of technical difficulties with the project, including printing it. Printing was a nightmare. I didn't even know that something so easy could be so difficult until today.

It was hard enough trying to work on a group project using a computer program I don't even understand. To add to it, my mind was elsewhere... not on the project. My mind was on the fact that I have 2 late assignments to finish for a different class. And that I have no idea what's going on in another class. And that I'm worried about my family. And my future. And that I need to work out today but don't really have time. And that my room is a mess (actually, that one wasn't on my mind... I just thought of it now while writing, but now that I think of it, it is quite stressful). And that I have 10 goals I need to reach this week, but don't know if I will. And that I need to get stuff done for my church calling. And for a volunteer project I'm doing. And I need to spend time with my loved ones. Oh gosh, the list goes on. You get it.

Of course, while trying to get stuff done, I realized how hungry I was from not having eaten anything today. I didn't have time to pack a lunch, so I went to the cafeteria to buy lunch again... even though I didn't want to spend more money, and probably shouldn't. I also realized I had to pee. And since it's one of those days, of course the bathroom had to be the worse experience of it all. The automatic toilet flushed before I even sat down. Then once more while sitting on the toilet. And twice more once I was finished. Then when I went to wash my hands, the automatic water came out much too hard and splashed me for the whole 30 seconds while washing my hands. And then of course, the automatic towels wouldn't come out... no matter how many times I swiped my hand in the air in front of it and even touched the stinkin' sensor. So I used the air dryer. And we all know how good those things work.

So there's a picture of my day for you. I am now sitting in the corner of a building on campus writing this blog so that I can get my feelings out and move on to get something productive done. But I can't end without the most important part! It gets better. Okay, not really. It'll probably even get a little worse from here, but like I said, I'm going to change my attitude.

First off, I got a text from my roommate reminding me of a wonderful blog I read yesterday. Here's the link: http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/  Read it!!! It's so good! So After remembering that, I thought about how I could make my day go better.

Then I texted my boyfriend to tell him about my stressful day and his words of encouragement were a quote from one of my favorite discourses:

"In all of these cases there should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, 'continue in patience until [we] are perfected' (D&C 67:13)."

(here's the link: http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1966)

And so I see that my attitude is stupid and I need to change. I need to be happy and realize what this life is all about. The world isn't out to get me. But God is out to change me and I need to be more humble and willing to let that happen. I need to learn from my mistakes and become better every day. Every moment. Earlier today was bad, but now will be better. So I fail a class? I try again next semester. So I get a little wet from the annoying automatic sink in the bathroom? I wipe myself off and move on. So I had a bad morning? Tomorrow I'll make it better. And so life goes. How grateful I am for my family and friends who always remind me what is important in life and what really matters.